Depression, Ramblings of a Mommy

I am Mom

 

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During my battle and journey with depression, I realized one of my problems: I had completely lost myself. I am no longer the person I was before having kids. I was a very positive person, enjoying life, outgoing, I always wanted to experience new things.

Who am I now? I am Mom. I look, think, talk, and act like a mom. I know having children that pretty much comes with the territory. But does being a mom have to define who you are?

If someone were to come up to me and ask me…

What do you do? I’m a mom, I wipe butts.

What do you enjoy doing? Sleeping.

What are your hopes and dreams for the future? My kids starting school.

I literally researched for hours on how to find yourself while being a mom. I came upon many articles from mom’s in the same situation. I did find a few that listed steps..

  • Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself.
  • Discover your passion.
  • Get out and try new things, get scared, get uncomfortable.

 

These are great tips, but honestly they don’t really apply to me. If you’re like me and don’t have the option of having a babysitter and having some alone time, how are you suppose to get out and try new things?

You know that tv show, Take Me To Your Mother? With that Andrea chick? She meets mom’s all around the world getting advice on being a mom. She travels the world,  trying all these new things on finding herself. But most of the time where’s her kid?? I’m not bashing her in any way, I’m mostly just jealous!

So if you’re in my situation, and you have found a way to find yourself please share your story! I would love to read it!

 

 

 

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Depression

Is the grass really greener?

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Approximately, 12 million women in the U.S experience clinical depression each year. And about 1/5 seek medical help. I am one of them, so today I thought I’d share my story.

As long as I can remember, I’ve never been 100 percent happy with my life or myself. With my first pregnancy, it was the first time I stayed at home without a job. And at the time I didn’t have a car, so you can imagine being stuck at home was a little depressing.

But the depression really kicked in after my second daughter was born. My husband had just started a job 400 miles away from home. So during the week he would stay in a hotel, and come home for the weekend. So I was left at home with my toddler and a newborn baby. I had family close by who did help me out a lot. But it wasn’t the same not having the father of my kids there.

This went on for six long months. I was at my lowest point. I remember being angry and crying all the time. I resented my husband for not being there, causing us to argue every time we talked.

We finally got into a house and we were a family once again. I was sure that moving into a new house and having my husband with me again would make everything better. The first few weeks of the transition were hard. I was used to having family right down the road, so being in a new city and state not knowing anyone was a huge change. I kept telling myself things would get better once I got used to this change.

But it didn’t. It just gradually got worse.

I felt so alone. Again I was angry and crying all the time. I was tired and felt like crap every single day. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to go out of the house, do things with my kids, take care of myself, or do any housewife duties. I had absolutely zero energy and motivation to get off the couch. It was effecting the way I treated my kids and my marriage.

My husband and I were in a never ending argument on what was wrong with me. He was angry because I couldn’t explain why I was feeling the way I was. And I was angry at him because he didn’t understand. Finally, he begged me to go see a doctor.

I took a test and turned out I have severe depression. I was prescribed medication that day.

The first few weeks resulted in no change. Apparently, it takes 4-6 weeks for the meds to kick in. By the fourth week, I felt like my life had completely turned around. I had energy and motivation. I actually WANTED to take care of myself by exercising and eating healthier.  I started getting into hobbies again, and I joined a mom group.

It’s been almost two months since I started the medication. I still have my ups and downs and some days are better than others.

Like yesterday was one of the down days. I felt depressed with myself. I was questioning what I was even doing. Like is this how the rest of my life is gonna be? Wiping butts, cooking and cleaning? I want more for myself. I want to experience new things, help people, make a change. I’m not saying I hate being a mom by any means. They are the reason I get up every morning and right now they need me to survive.

But millions of other moms can juggle being a mom while getting fulfillment in other things too right? I don’t know how they do it honestly. I feel like since I don’t have a babysitter getting out and doing something for myself is completely out of the question.

Well that’s my story so far, I will be writing more about my battle with depression. If you are experiencing any of what I talked about, please know that you are NOT alone. I encourage you to seek help. It doesn’t have to be medication. You can also seek therapy, either from a therapist or just talking with a friend or family member.

If you would like to share your story, please feel free to do so. Your story could help someone in a similar situation!

Thank you for reading. 🙂